That’s all I am asking for right now.

I don’t want to go head-first in a whirlpool of emotions.

I don’t want to cry. I don’t even want to smile.

I just want a little glimpse.

Of what had been and of what is.

So that whatever the future may hold, I had this little glimpse.

Which is enough. I guess.

—wow, mga one year ago na rin since my last blog post here. iba talaga nagagawa ng valentines. hahahaha!—

bisperas ng “happy valentine’s day” at kahit na masungit ang panahon napagdesisyunan kong lumabas at pumunta sa gaisano tabunok (yep, that’s the next big thing to sm here in cebu ).

dahil may hinihintay akong matunaw e kumain muna ako sa mc do. and as i nibble on my fries, a young couple sat a table away from me. highschool students to be exact base sa kanilang mga suot na pe uniform. siyempre dahil nakaupo na ako dun, wala akong magawa kundi pagmasdan sila. at siyempre hindi nakatulong na ang mga tugtugin pa sa mc do e mga pang-valentines. at dahil sa mga kadahilanang ito, my mind started wandering to my ultimate high school what-if (with matching background song pa na “the gift” o “my gift” ata yun)

paano kaya kung nagkaboyfriend ako nung highschool?
(kulang pa ba ng emphasis?)

well anyway, hindi pa nakakalayo ang aking nag-iinarteng utak e another group of high school students sat directly in front of me. blocking the couple from my view. lima silang mga naninilaw na kabataan. puro babae at mga naka-pe uniform din.

(nakakalahati ko na ang cheeseburger ko sa scene na ito)

at kahit wa ako kabalo masyado sa kanilang mga pinagsasabi e kitang kita sa kanilang mga nakangiting mukha at rinig sa malalakas na halakhak nila na ‘of course, ain’t it obvious’ na masaya sila. kahit yung pasweetums na couple e napapatingin na sa kanila at maging yung sikyu.

(at muli sa pag-inom ko naman ng coke float ko e naglakbay ang aking isip)

ang mga alaala ko nung highschool ay puno ng tawanan. as in. i think when i’m not studying (naka naman) e tumatawa kami sa classroom, sa canteen, sa flowerbox ba yun?, sa may hintayan sa may guardhouse at maging sa aming pinakamalaking classroom, sa sm north. naalala ko na kahit anong makita namin o marinig e in the end makakahanap kami ng something to laugh about. andun yung patintero time, yung mga crush namin na talagang hinihintay naming dumaan at iniimagine namin na nagssplash ng absolute water sa mukha at ang tanging suot lang e yung takip ng absolute sa nipples niya (ooops, now that im reminiscing this does not sound as conservative as it was then ), yung mga oras na nasa home economics elective kami at pinagtatawanan namin si mrs. fernandez na titser namin dahil sa kanyang bisaya accent (another ooops, no more laughing at bisaya pipol! i would like to believe im half cebuano na e, hahahaha!), yung mga out of this world imaginations namin like having our own game show at kung ano-ano pang ideya na just blows everything out of proportion (tipong bigyan mo lang kami ng kahit anong idea pihado may maiisip kaming nakakatawa niyan). ano pa ba? a yung mga oras na nasa sm kami at ang lalakas ng tawanan namin at kung ano-anong kakengkoyan ang ginagawa namin. minsan nakakahiya pero the heck, we’re having fun! special mention to lay, na ever faithful kong kasama sa paghihintay kay papa sa sm. i remember some of our quantum moments like si ‘hand’? hahahah! o kamay lang ba tawag natin dun? at yung ibang boys na nakakalaro natin dun. hahahah! feeling! at siyempre ang more mellowed laughter when i’m with my small group. sila tita edna, ida, lay, mark nestor, jess poserio, hmm, cant remember everyone na sorry. pati ang every first friday gathering sa may mathay hall. wow.. i really miss those times..

anyway, bago mo pa sabihin na out of topic na ako e habang naiisip ko ang mga ito, i realized a few things:

1. ayos lang na hindi ako nagkabf noon. dahil siguro hindi pa ako handa nun. o dahil siguro ayaw ko lang talaga. hahahaha! joke! feeling e no…

2. hindi naman sa bitter pero buo ang highschool experience ko. kumpleto. hindi kelangan na magkabf para maging kumpleto ang highschool life ko.

3. masaya maging bata. kahit na minsan nasosobrahan na masaya magpaka-isip bata. i wont trade my anime-filled, quantum-filled, mcnaught-and-company-filled, disney-filled, nonsense-filled highschool life. i realized na i have the right to be childish then. i grabbed that opportunity. kasi ngayon naisip ko, there are adults out there (including me,naks adult) that would still do nonsense just so they can have a feel of being a child again. naisip ko lang sayang ang pagkabata kung masyado ka nang mature sa mga times na may karapatan ka pa namang mag-asal bata. why waste it? your time of maturity will come.

4. the fourth one is a disclaimer, what i have shared are all based on my experience and opinion. i am not saying that these are all absolute truths. it may be different for you. all im saying is it worked for me. so whatever works for you, so be it. wait let me correct that, whatever is planned for you, then so shall it be.

5. saka i am not against highschool relationships (hmm.. not entirely,baka mag-iba pag sa anak ko na.. hahaha!). ay wait.. pati pala sa mga kapatid ko big NO-NO yan. hmm.. ang labo na nitong number 5.. hahahah!

whew! parang ang haba nun a. pero lahat yan e sakto lang sa oras na naubos ko ang aking cheeseburger, coke float at fries. at sa pag-alis ko sa mcdo, i left the girls trying to make an mtv and the couple still absorbed in their own world.

+++ ito ay hango sa text ng isang kaibigan na aking nakilala sa panahon na punong puno ng gawaing papel para sa ISO.

true love is neither physical, nor romantic. true love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be.

hmm.. sounds like one of those ‘easier said than done’ things. hahahah.. no intention of being bitter on this supposedly day of hearts, chocolates (yey! an excuse for chocolate overload. ^__^), flowers, super sweet-pwedeng langgaming love letters and cards, candlelit dinners and all that romantic stuff. just stating a fact. a fact that, in my opinion, should not stop people (or should i say girls?) from filling their heads with fairytale-like love stories, prince charmings and dainty princesses (for romantic boys out there :)); or as being popularized nowadays, with those cute, arrogant with special hidden skills, big-eyed heroes and  beautiful, perfect-figured, also big-eyed heroines.

you dont have to stop believing in these things but you have to be prepared. prepared for facts like the one stated above and for the other facts about love that you will soon encounter. you dont have to stop believing because in reality that is the starting step, believing the best of things to come. believing and then trying to make that real, the closest you can make it to being real.

but then again, theres also another fact: you can never be really prepared.

happy valentines! hahahaha…

the pounding of my heart, the coldness of my hands, the excitement of being with you again mixed with some childish fear whether i picked the right clothes to wear for this special day, the somewhat nonsense talk im trying to make with j as i anticipate you coming out of someone else’s back in the crowd, the look in our faces the first time we saw each other again, the moment you reached for my hand confirming that you’re really there and finally the smiles. Our smiles of… hmm.. relief, maybe, of making it to that day. November 3, 2007.

all these plus our mall-hopping and eating galore treats, our white sand adventure and our bicol aka "meet the (almost) whole rellama clan" visit.

should be enough to last till the next time we can make more memories.

till then.

hahah! we really do have an awesome God! this day was amazing!

share ko lang.

kaninang umaga, kinakausap ko si Lord. sabi ko nakakapagod po talaga magplano. e kasi naman sa pagplaplano ko siyempre hindi lang naman buhay ko ang apektado. damay lahat ng mahal ko. nakakapagod na maghintay. ang dami ko kasing pinagdadasal e. ayan patong-patong na tuloy yung hinihintay kong mga sagot. nakakapagod mag-isip ng solusyon sa mga problema. hay.. kahit kasi simpleng bagay problemahin daw ba?

and then it hit me.

kaya pala ako napapagod kasi umaasa ako sa lakas ko.  erase, erase. start ulit ako ng bagong prayer. sabi ko handa po akong maghintay. kasi kung anuman po yung ibibigay Niyo na sagot, alam ko it will be worth all the wait. dadating yun pag handa nang ibigay ni God at siguro pag handa na rin ako na tanggapin yun.

aba! akalain mo yun, kaninang mga bandang mag-a-alas onse ng umaga nasagot yung isa! naiyak ako sa tuwa. sa isip ko salamat po. ok nako dun kasi may nasagot ng isa. pero may ‘but wait there’s more!’ pa pala si God na hinanda para sa akin. kasi kaninang mga mag-a-alas kwatro nasagot ulit yung isa! iyak ulit ako. pero tumatawa na din ako. may pagkaSisa nga yung dating ko kanina. buti walang pumasok sa culture room/batcave. solo ko, ok lang na mag-act-act ako ever. ok talaga ang araw na ito. hindi pala ok, more than ok, it was awesome. amazing.

ulitin ko ha? our God is REALLY an awesome God.

He provides.

kelangan lang talaga maghintay.

magtiwala.

at dapat hindi rin makalimutang magpasalamat!

Praise God!

- March 7,2007; sa bagong Marine lab, MSI

They say our heart is the size of a fist. But amazingly, it can hold not only just the pumping of your blood but also the thousands of emotions you feel inside.

Hahah! Since this is my blog let’s talk about my heart! (lucky me! J)

My heart had its share of beatings (literally and figuratively.. J). I’m guessing that it’s pretty normal considering I’ve had it for almost 23 years now. Heheh.. It beats fast when I’m hurt, excited, nervous or scared. Normal, right? The thumping reaches my ears and sometimes when my emotions are in complete turmoil my brain seems to seize working and my heart gets all the attention.

My heart, unfortunately, does get hurt (awww.. hahah..). And I have this ‘so unlikely of me’ urge to write down what it goes through when its not on its better days.

Ok, so obviously it starts with me seeing the object\ the thing\ the cause of this so-called hurt. And when finally the signal from my eyes, passing through my brain reaches my heart. BIG THUMP THUMPS starts. Then the loud beating is immediately followed by a feeling of constriction. My heart is squeezed hard and breathing gets a bit difficult. I also feel some kind of coldness (can’t find a better word for it). I feel cold and numb, with the hairs on my arms standing on its tips. I have to force my eyes to shut for a second and then open to look again on this something. BIG THUMP THUMPS continues.

After what seems an eternity (may ganun.. J), my heart begins to beat normal again. Yes, very slowly my heart stabilizes and it is usually accompanied by tears running down my face when I’m hurt (hahah.. Surprise! I do cry), a heartfelt laugh or should I say a very piggishly snort when I’m excited or happy or a loud scream when I’m scared.

I remember one particular hurt thingy event. I didn’t cry at that moment. I can’t cry. But my heart did normalize and my brain starts functioning again and the first thought that it processed was for me to get a grip. To get a hold of myself.

SUCCESS! My heart once again survives! It goes back to its normal work of pumping maybe not as good as new but much stronger than before.

Too bad our hearts are just the size of our fists. Maybe it could work better if its bigger. More room. Harder to squeeze. But just like what David has proven bigger does not necessarily mean better or stronger (hahah.. I just have to put that in ^_^).

My heart is small but every time it survives, it gets bigger. Not in size but inside (the ‘inside’ of my inside heart actually exists or so I believe.. hahah..).

And that ends my very first entry in my very first blog! (applauds self J) hahah!

Pardon any wrong grammar or cheesy lines you may have found here. Corrections and comments will be taken with gratitude. That is if there are still some people (hopefully my ever loyal friends ^_^) who will take time to read my ramblings.

To you, good person with a good, healthy heart, a big thank you and a kiss upon request (hahah! makapangmanyak lang! ^_^)

- (March 6, 2007; culture room, MSI)